Deconstructing
Grief
This body of work examines the long and difficult process of grieving and healing from the loss of my husband after 40-years of marriage. The process caused me deep introspection and reflection on my life’s journey in a moment of crisis. It took me several years before I didn’t see my husband’s loss singly as an ending but also the beginning of my new life. The following are descriptions and images that I’ve created on this new journey.
Post
Post is the first painting/artwork I produced in 10+ years. It was also my first art work after Elmar died. I couldn’t create any work during the deepest moments of grief and loss. I was not motivated nor did I have the concentration and energy to work or do much of anything. After two years, I felt a glimmer of light and clarity of post-trauma. The paint expresses the moment after a heavy summer storm when the dark clouds emptied and a hint of sunlight escapes from the parting clouds as if everything has been cleansed. Learn more.
Redemption
Redemption suggests the symbolic ring of fire that everyone must face at least once in life. The glowing, dancing flames and embers or liquid lava create a barrier through which one must travel. While the searing lava and flames are frightening, there is a sense of light and clear oxygen beyond. Learn more.
Spacious
Spacious suggests the internal and intellectual space I am aspiring to cultivate. I suggest deep space with the mystery of what it means. Also, I question humankind’s place and potential in that system. Learn more.
Ambiguity
Ambiguity suggests the dense fog of loss and grief. A directionless life with a deep layer of shape-shifting grays. The only color of one feels is gray, which is stifling and unending. Learn more.
New
New represents an effort and moment of optimism. I had glimpses of optimism as I began working in my studio after a hiatus of years. This painting represents an unexpected and wide-open moment in my life. No job, no children, no pets. What do I want to do? What new parts of myself do I want to explore? New represents new growth - internally and professionally. Learn more.
Doubt/Faith
A duality exists in my mind between doubt and faith. My experience of doubt is fiery and angry after loss. My faith is remote and in a dark place. Neither term imply, for me, religious connotations. Rather, they imply personal wrestling with my perception of the future and the possibilities. Learn more.
Worthy
When suffering such a devastating loss, I even questioned by worth and value. All my insecurities and vulnerabilities surfaced. One of my most dominant insecurities is being worthy. I can easily feel like an imposter among experts and brilliant individuals. The colors of Worthy represent the patinated green that tarnishes the precious metal beneath it. It is highly textured, yet it glows from the base of gold-hued paint. The texture represents the aggressive nature of insecurities. Learn more.
Deep
The painting was done at one of my lowest moments of despair. The letters are buried in the paint and suggest a suffocating loss. The colors and the density of the layers of paint are like the soil and decay found on the floor of an old-growth forest. The loam is rich, full of organisms and life. The soil is moist and fertile with potential. But it is also dark and heavy and rich. Learn more.
Next
The colors of Next suggest freshness and airiness. This painting is an attempt to flip the narrative of loss. I wanted this painting to be beautiful and hopeful. Beauty can be part of my future -- whatever is next for me. I also wanted to connect with and embrace my own femininity with these colors. Learn more.
Courage
This painting suggests deepest space and the tiniest amount of energy and determination that can be the seed of courage to face immeasurable doubt and uncertainty. Learn more.